I think I'm going crazy

I'm going through this phase where I flip back and forth between super excited/happy to stressed out and depressed, and I hate it. It makes me feel like whatever I'm feeling inside is irrational and insubstantial. I want to say that God is taking care of everything and that I'm trusting him with all my worries and stupid problems, but I don't know how to keep believing it. I am beginning to realize that it's part of being human, and being myself especially, is having to take breaks and just decompress. I think in my heart, I am thankful and excited to be here living my life, but sometimes I just don't feel it. It's when I try to handle everything on my own and when I stress about little things that don't matter that especially gets me down. So I am consciously making the effort to focus on the good things and see everything more in the bigger picture. I just, and I am sad that this is really the issue, but, I get so tired and unmotivated. And so I ruin even the good things.

Is it a continual surrender of myself that is needed here? I need answers. And strength. It did come to me today though. I really felt like everything was coming together; it was just good. And for the greater part of the day, I didn't worry! Okay, I'm going to be more coherent in this. Yesterday, I was feeling really shitty about life because of what was going on with lab/research/post-doc, and I was projecting it onto the other areas of my life so that I couldn't focus on actual important things. I think that is a recurring theme with me, my obsessiveness with the past and my mistakes. And I went to growth group and that was cool, because I actually understood what was going on and it was so amazing that I was getting something out of a story about David's rash behavior and the woman who tells him to back off. That's not really what the story was but I don't want to go into it. So, my real point is that sometime during the night I couldn't stop thinking about how I screw up and my post-doc stresses me out. And it is seriously a paralyzing thought-process because it makes me fear going in there and it in a way takes over my life. And oh my God, even I know that my life is not research in the lab and taking it everywhere with me is such a burden on my soul, seriously.

Oh fuck, this is a really bad story. I'm sorry. Anyway, I was getting seriously depressed about it, and I talked to Molly and then we prayed about it. Basically that's my point. Haha, we prayed about it. And the stress felt lifted and the fear was knocked out. And today felt amazing. There's a lot of things about me that need to be changed and I know that all that shit that I keep inside needs to go away. I really want God there with me or working in me, letting me give up the things that are crippling me and missing the great opportunities, and being the source of my hope. I think I need that so much right now. It needs to feel like the things I do are not doomed or worthless. So right now, I'm bringing my full attention to letting God take care of my life, (not me worrying about how to take care of my life) and only then is it even possible to be selfless and generous with my life. I heard someone say, life is a story and it's not about me. It may have been Donald Miller. Whatever. I'm a mess of things and maybe I'll talk pretty someday.