I have the hiccups

I was thinking just now that this might be the most well-adjusted Christmas break I've ever had. Amazing. Damn these f-ing hiccups!

Maria asked me to visit her at her restaurant because I've been bugging her for the past week to hang out with me. I really like it there and she is really cool to talk to. She is going to try to teach me how to improve my MCAT verbal score. I wanted to talk to her actually about spiritual things that I have been contemplating lately, as only recently have I been able to articulate my thoughts for people communication. We never really got to it though because we talked about how I can get an interview to medical school and then Dale, Ashley, and my sister walked into the restaurant to hang out with us. I enjoyed hanging out with them, though I was supposed to be working on MCAT hw. I'm supposed to be taking it more seriously, but at the same time I want to be relaxed about it so yeah, balance is key.

Maybe I will have dinner with Maria sometime soon or I'll take her to coffee and we'll study or something. I still want to talk to her about it because she's always cared about that aspect of me, but I never want to get into it. I mentioned it yesterday the whole faith through action idea. Basically, it is that your faith is demonstrationed by your actions; for example, you might think that you believe in the ability of your father to shoot an apple off the top of your head with an arrow, but it doesn't mean anything until you are willing to let him actually do it. I think at least that's what it means. And I suppose its true, that if you ever truly believe in something, it should change something about you; you would see it in your actions, i.e. when I thought that the treatment of animals in the food industry was unethical, I stopped eating meat. Thus, my issue with God and Christianity. If I believed in it, then my life would be noticeably different, my actions would point toward the truth of a loving God and a salvation through Jesus. I didn't think my life reflected that, and for a long time I tried to change it, but it just kept on driving in a thought that maybe I don't actually believe it. At least not in my heart. It took me a long time to figure that out that was my problem because I could place the blame on many, many other things, but I think this was the foundation: that maybe I don't actually love God or believe that He loves me. It's also crazy to realize that after a year of coming to terms with this, that I've really just come full circle. I think I'm right back where I started, but its a little different. I guess because more time has gone by and I might have some kind of better/different perspective on it. At least, for some reason I believe that there's hope. Maybe there's a way for me to believe it in my heart as much as I might know it in my head.

So I should probably talk to someone about it and get some direction or something. God, you hear me right? Am I supposed to read the Bible or something? I sort of wrote a song, well I'm trying to write a song on my banjo. It didn't really make any sense though, maybe tomorrow.