Oh, so many good things are named Jo Jo

1. my brother
2. my banjo
3. that 16 year old that sings 'too little too late'

I have been really busy lately. I'm sad that I haven't had as much for this as I had originally planned. But, I suppose I can't change anything anyway. I've been completely washed away by my classes. I am continually asking myself why I thought it was a good idea to take a semester like this, in the middle of my MCAT stuff. Omog. MCAT. I haven't even thought about it in over a week. I am struggling with a massive bout of apathy. I really don't care about anything right now. I have never felt this way about school. Or at least not to this extent. Please help me. Make me care? Maybe don't scare me with bad grades. Real motivation or a desire to do my best in everything that I do.

So, hm, what am I doing with my life? I'm pretty much at a standstill. I don't know what's going on. I don't know where you fit in God. I feel like you don't live inside me like I believed. Is it what I'm doing? I'm not praying or reading the bible? Oh man. I'm such a retard anyway. You're with me. You have to be or I'd just be nothing right now. So how do I make it real? How do you be real in my life?

There's a boy that I sort of like. It's a little exciting. I hope he likes me back. Heh.

Nothing in particular

Today, everything feels hopeless. Maybe I am just not cut out for any of this. God, that thought depresses the hell out of me. I can't shake it either. It feels as though my inabilities are just constantly hanging over me and I can't ever make the right decisions or use good judgment. I don't want it to affect me so much. Please make it stop. I don't know what else to do. And You're supposed to be helping me through this. Why do I keep fucking up God? I'm so tired of it. You're tired of it. Everyone is fucking tired of it. And I am really angry. How am I supposed to believe in change and hope and all that when everything is exactly the same? There is a real disparity between the things that I know and the actions that result. In fact, it's as if it doesn't matter at all what is inside if what is coming out is all fucked up.

I hope that I just have to get this all out so that I can move on. And I've been carrying this around all day. I hate myself for it. Stupid... everything... I keep trying to be positive about it. GOD. I don't understand. I really really don't. And right now, I am sure that it is not supposed to be like this. I don't feel this bad for so long about anything except this. I just honestly can't deal with things. It bothers me. Everything bothers me. I'm still really angry. Why am I stuck? We need to get past this. You have to help me. I can't do anything.

Okay I'm done. I need help.