Maybe I'm Scared...

I didn't update yesterday! I don't know why I'm pointing that out. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm moved into my apartment at Berkeley and no one else has moved in yet. I'm a little bit scared, I was pretty paranoid about locking the doors and stuff today, haha. I just keep having visions of my car or home getting broken into and all of my stuff getting taken away. I think its pretty safe though. Oh, God save me. It's okay, I know how to live on my own. Now, only if it weren't so frickin' cold.

So I've been trying to do the whole new attitude thing lately. Sometimes it works and I am in a really happy mood, and also there are the moments where I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. That happens a lot actually. I am trying to adopt some new techniques to keep me going or give me a little motivation. There's a post-it up right now that's telling me to write my practice essay for Verbal 4 this Monday otherwise there will be killing. And I'm making some flashcards to help me memorize some of this Bio crap. I wonder a lot, whether people can really change or not. I believe that we are always growing and learning for our mistakes and that shite, but I'm thinking about a bigger kind of change. It's almost transforming where it may feel like you're a new person. And if it is possible, how long does it take?

It seems like I may be pushing myself to be someone that isn't me. But I'd like to think of it as trying to be more than I think I could ever be. It's kind of like the slogan, "be all that you can be" without actually joining the army. I just have this feeling that I can actually do something useful with my life. And honestly, if I am going too far in this, close that door. I just think it's good right now. Anyway, if I start to get annoying or self-obsessed, that is the least of my intentions and so help me do the right things for the right reasons. I could go on about selfishness and my entire self-centered life, but I'll save that for another day, I suppose.

The main thing is, I'm trying to change. I want to change. But not for self-glorication or in an attempt for perfection. I just want to be the kind of person that people can talk to, or trust, and even count on for things that they need. I wonder if that kind of change is possible. Should I be striving to be more like Jesus? I don't even know what that means.