Oh, so many good things are named Jo Jo

1. my brother
2. my banjo
3. that 16 year old that sings 'too little too late'

I have been really busy lately. I'm sad that I haven't had as much for this as I had originally planned. But, I suppose I can't change anything anyway. I've been completely washed away by my classes. I am continually asking myself why I thought it was a good idea to take a semester like this, in the middle of my MCAT stuff. Omog. MCAT. I haven't even thought about it in over a week. I am struggling with a massive bout of apathy. I really don't care about anything right now. I have never felt this way about school. Or at least not to this extent. Please help me. Make me care? Maybe don't scare me with bad grades. Real motivation or a desire to do my best in everything that I do.

So, hm, what am I doing with my life? I'm pretty much at a standstill. I don't know what's going on. I don't know where you fit in God. I feel like you don't live inside me like I believed. Is it what I'm doing? I'm not praying or reading the bible? Oh man. I'm such a retard anyway. You're with me. You have to be or I'd just be nothing right now. So how do I make it real? How do you be real in my life?

There's a boy that I sort of like. It's a little exciting. I hope he likes me back. Heh.

Nothing in particular

Today, everything feels hopeless. Maybe I am just not cut out for any of this. God, that thought depresses the hell out of me. I can't shake it either. It feels as though my inabilities are just constantly hanging over me and I can't ever make the right decisions or use good judgment. I don't want it to affect me so much. Please make it stop. I don't know what else to do. And You're supposed to be helping me through this. Why do I keep fucking up God? I'm so tired of it. You're tired of it. Everyone is fucking tired of it. And I am really angry. How am I supposed to believe in change and hope and all that when everything is exactly the same? There is a real disparity between the things that I know and the actions that result. In fact, it's as if it doesn't matter at all what is inside if what is coming out is all fucked up.

I hope that I just have to get this all out so that I can move on. And I've been carrying this around all day. I hate myself for it. Stupid... everything... I keep trying to be positive about it. GOD. I don't understand. I really really don't. And right now, I am sure that it is not supposed to be like this. I don't feel this bad for so long about anything except this. I just honestly can't deal with things. It bothers me. Everything bothers me. I'm still really angry. Why am I stuck? We need to get past this. You have to help me. I can't do anything.

Okay I'm done. I need help.

I think I'm going crazy

I'm going through this phase where I flip back and forth between super excited/happy to stressed out and depressed, and I hate it. It makes me feel like whatever I'm feeling inside is irrational and insubstantial. I want to say that God is taking care of everything and that I'm trusting him with all my worries and stupid problems, but I don't know how to keep believing it. I am beginning to realize that it's part of being human, and being myself especially, is having to take breaks and just decompress. I think in my heart, I am thankful and excited to be here living my life, but sometimes I just don't feel it. It's when I try to handle everything on my own and when I stress about little things that don't matter that especially gets me down. So I am consciously making the effort to focus on the good things and see everything more in the bigger picture. I just, and I am sad that this is really the issue, but, I get so tired and unmotivated. And so I ruin even the good things.

Is it a continual surrender of myself that is needed here? I need answers. And strength. It did come to me today though. I really felt like everything was coming together; it was just good. And for the greater part of the day, I didn't worry! Okay, I'm going to be more coherent in this. Yesterday, I was feeling really shitty about life because of what was going on with lab/research/post-doc, and I was projecting it onto the other areas of my life so that I couldn't focus on actual important things. I think that is a recurring theme with me, my obsessiveness with the past and my mistakes. And I went to growth group and that was cool, because I actually understood what was going on and it was so amazing that I was getting something out of a story about David's rash behavior and the woman who tells him to back off. That's not really what the story was but I don't want to go into it. So, my real point is that sometime during the night I couldn't stop thinking about how I screw up and my post-doc stresses me out. And it is seriously a paralyzing thought-process because it makes me fear going in there and it in a way takes over my life. And oh my God, even I know that my life is not research in the lab and taking it everywhere with me is such a burden on my soul, seriously.

Oh fuck, this is a really bad story. I'm sorry. Anyway, I was getting seriously depressed about it, and I talked to Molly and then we prayed about it. Basically that's my point. Haha, we prayed about it. And the stress felt lifted and the fear was knocked out. And today felt amazing. There's a lot of things about me that need to be changed and I know that all that shit that I keep inside needs to go away. I really want God there with me or working in me, letting me give up the things that are crippling me and missing the great opportunities, and being the source of my hope. I think I need that so much right now. It needs to feel like the things I do are not doomed or worthless. So right now, I'm bringing my full attention to letting God take care of my life, (not me worrying about how to take care of my life) and only then is it even possible to be selfless and generous with my life. I heard someone say, life is a story and it's not about me. It may have been Donald Miller. Whatever. I'm a mess of things and maybe I'll talk pretty someday.

Let's all go to Flaming Moe's

This was a really long week. I feel very grateful that I got through it more or less intact. There are so many things that I want to do, but don't know if I can. I wish that I could do it all; I have a desire to control everything and do it all perfectly, but that is an impulse I know to stay away from. I really hope that I follow through on everything; I feel much more intentional about things in my life, but even so, those intentions only go so far.

So, things that happened this week... School started and I have been pretty busy running around trying to do stuff and being late to all my classes. Haha, love the 3 day weekend. So I have been doing a lot of lab stuff, it feels a little like overload, but it's only been 3 days. It's so hard to be positive sometimes, I feel like I sometimes have to really push so it doesn't get overwhelming. Classes are ok, it's actually very nice only having 3 classes. I've been typing that number a lot; weird. I had also been studying for the MCAT diag 3 that was this Saturday; I was pretty scared about not improving, but I did improve! I was so happy, and really surprised because the scores jumped a lot. I think the first two tests are just really not supposed to be indicators of how well you're progressing, and the last 3 are more important. So now, I'm pretty encouraged to keep working at it; God I will be so happy when this is over. Sadly, that means school will nearly be over and even though I'm looking forward to everything, I'm still pretty nervous sometimes to think about the future, even a few months ahead.

The other thing that made me really happy this week was having a good conversation with Erich and Tianyi on Thursday night about our friendships. For a long time, I've been worried that my relationships weren't very meaningful, a lot of it because there wasn't any effort being put into them, and a lot of the things that are important were being substituted for superficial stuff. And so we talked about what I'd been thinking about over break, that I really care about them and how I'd like to put my relationships first. It was mostly me doing the talking and I even told them about not wanting to misrepresent Jesus and that stuff. It was a little bit awkward but good because it wasn't too serious and I'm glad that they know how to respond to me. I don't know how to write about it other than I feel a lot better about being a good friend and that even when we all go our separate ways we can still be in each others lives in some way. That's the hope, I guess.

I think that I might be growing as well. Not in a very obvious way, just a little bit. I even went to growth group last Wednesday and actually shared stuff. And I hate sharing. Haha, seriously. I think I love sharing now. And Jesus. I don't know what to say about it, but letting him take care of some of the little things feels like an amazing weight off my shoulders. I should go for now, I have to get up early and need some sleep. Oh, life... you're not what I expected.

Steph thinks that this is stupid

I'm warm in my bed right now, enjoying the afternoon sun for the brief moments where it is actually nice to be in the apartment. It's actually getting late and the sun is going to be gone very soon. School finally starts tomorrow, but I don't actually have class on Tuesdays. Ha, I've scheduled Tuesdays to be working in the lab to do research, and I'm slightly nervous because my post-doc said that it will be very busy. If anything, it will be exciting or maybe educational. I realized that over the last semester, I learned so much about doing procedures and being organized, how it's really important to know and understand what you're doing. I hope that this semester can be even better. Man, I went through a lot of shit over it; about 80% of the time I just felt so inept and inequipped to be useful in a lab, but its usually the small changes that you don't notice but they build up over time that make a big difference between what you were before and what you are now.

I hung out with P-Face a lot since she got back from SaDo, driving her round to places and going to get stuff we need for school. And it was nice having dinner with my roommates and picking up Lena from the airport. I suppose you could even say that it's been encouraging to be able to see everyone again and I am in anticipation to have this new semester pan out.

Maybe this is a God thing, or just really well-timed. Maybe it is merely the tipping point or the thing that was bound to come out eventually. I can't think of a good saying for it, haha, my good verbal skills. Anyway, Johnathan called me last night and wanted to talk for ten minutes or so about something; he was being cryptic. So anyway I went over and was worried that either he liked me or was upset with me, both of which were not very comforting scenarios. And he wanted to talk about how I've changed over the last few years and how it's been affecting/disturbing him. I think that hearing his perspective on my behavior was the saddest for me, but also in a way incredibly gratifying to know that I have him as an awesome friend. I completely understood where he was coming from, since I have changed a lot and there is a very big change in my behavior from now and freshman year. In a lot of ways, I think that where I am now, is so much better than where I've been before, but he was right in noticing the change and being worried about it. Around last year, about the same time I had my semi-crisis revelation that I just might not love God or believe that He loves me, I also managed to cut him out. I couldn't really deal with his opinion or advice on Christianity, and probably one of my major regrets of last year is thinking that I didn't want him (or others for that matter) as part of my life.
But what is really interesting to me is how over time, I started to see him differently. I started to really notice and appreciate his concern for others, his desire to live life right, how he wasn't judgmental, and just a really cool guy. Either he was changing as well or I was getting some new perspective in life, most likely both are true. The good thing about our talk was how I was able to tell him how I really felt about things, maybe explain some of my shitty behavior, and ask if we could be good friends again, to count on each other and so on. I am pretty tired of being satisfied with half-committed friendships and I think it worthwhile to make the extra effort. Because we are all connected I think, as people/humanity, and a lot of times what we need is to know that we won't have to go through it alone. And, I'm pretty proud of him for following his convictions and bringing his thoughts to me, because trying to rebuild our friendship without going back and sorting through the messed up parts would not be helpful growing as friends. And we talked about that stuff for about 45 minutes. It was good. So thanks, =). And thanks for listening.

Maybe I'm Scared...

I didn't update yesterday! I don't know why I'm pointing that out. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm moved into my apartment at Berkeley and no one else has moved in yet. I'm a little bit scared, I was pretty paranoid about locking the doors and stuff today, haha. I just keep having visions of my car or home getting broken into and all of my stuff getting taken away. I think its pretty safe though. Oh, God save me. It's okay, I know how to live on my own. Now, only if it weren't so frickin' cold.

So I've been trying to do the whole new attitude thing lately. Sometimes it works and I am in a really happy mood, and also there are the moments where I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. That happens a lot actually. I am trying to adopt some new techniques to keep me going or give me a little motivation. There's a post-it up right now that's telling me to write my practice essay for Verbal 4 this Monday otherwise there will be killing. And I'm making some flashcards to help me memorize some of this Bio crap. I wonder a lot, whether people can really change or not. I believe that we are always growing and learning for our mistakes and that shite, but I'm thinking about a bigger kind of change. It's almost transforming where it may feel like you're a new person. And if it is possible, how long does it take?

It seems like I may be pushing myself to be someone that isn't me. But I'd like to think of it as trying to be more than I think I could ever be. It's kind of like the slogan, "be all that you can be" without actually joining the army. I just have this feeling that I can actually do something useful with my life. And honestly, if I am going too far in this, close that door. I just think it's good right now. Anyway, if I start to get annoying or self-obsessed, that is the least of my intentions and so help me do the right things for the right reasons. I could go on about selfishness and my entire self-centered life, but I'll save that for another day, I suppose.

The main thing is, I'm trying to change. I want to change. But not for self-glorication or in an attempt for perfection. I just want to be the kind of person that people can talk to, or trust, and even count on for things that they need. I wonder if that kind of change is possible. Should I be striving to be more like Jesus? I don't even know what that means.

Tom Petty understands me

I like Free Fallin'. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Classic love rock song that borders on cheesy.

It's becoming so hard to wake up in the mornings. I don't know what I'm going to do when school starts if I can't seem to get up before 12 with feeling ridiculously tired. Seriously. A lot of things are going to start picking up soon, it is a little exciting, and mostly nerveracking. Did I spell that right? It is really easy to imagine all the great things that are to come, but actually facing them and having to live in reality is completely the opposite. I mean, God knows I can't do it on my own. No question. But yeah, I'm completely out of control in this one so, I think I'll just have to wait and have some faith.

I don't know what God thinks of me. I don't know exactly what He wants of me. I feel pretty passive in this relationship. The whole "go-with-the-flow" attitude was fine by me for a while, but right now it seems like taking advantage of all the things I can get out of God without actually having to give something else back. You know, like that way I treat my parents. Okay, that probably makes me sound like Queen Bitch, and I guess it's true. My relationship and my feelings toward them need a lot of work. My family is the most important thing in my life. I think we just need to talk to each other more.

Maybe that's what God wants. To be part of my life. Well it sounds so simple; what does it actually look like? Does it mean that I stop drinking? I actually had seriously considered stopping drinking, and I'm pretty sure that I'll tone it down, for health reasons as well as a feeling that drinking to feel better about yourself is pretty dumb. I think my biggest hesistation in stopping, is whether I can have the same amount of fun with my friends when I am sober. Alls I'm thinking, though, is that if our friendships hinge on this one thing then I have a more serious problem. And there it is, it sort of came down to relationships tonight. I sincerely hope that this semester focuses on my relationships with others, with my family, with God. Maybe then I'll get some real meaning in my life.